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What is Asexual?


Asexuality (also known as nonsexuality) refers to people who do not have sexual desire or claim that they have no sexual orientation, that is, they do not show a sexual desire for any gender of male or female, that is, lack of sex. impulse.  The results of the study published in 2004 mentioned that asexuals accounted for 1% of the population. But whether sexlessness is a sexual orientation is still controversial so far.
Asexuals are different from ascetic and singularists and generally have no religious beliefs.  They do not have a desire for men and women to have a relationship with them, but they will have a good impression on a certain gender because of their gender or daily experience. Some asexuals have sex with others for a variety of reasons, such as wanting to find a partner or craving to have a child, even though they lack the sexual desire and sexual attraction.
In the 21st century, asexuality began to be recognized by more scientists as a sexual orientation and research, beginning with a series of studies from the perspective of sociology and psychology to explain asexuality. But there are still some people who oppose asexuality as a sexual orientation. With the popularity of the Internet, various asexual communities began to form on the Internet and social media. The most well-known of these is the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), which was established in 2001.
In August 2012, scholars at the University of Brock in Canada found that asexuals accounted for 1% of the world's population, with a total population of about 70 million.
In 2004, Anthony Bogaert, a psychology professor at Brock University in Ontario, Canada found that in a sexual attraction survey released in the United Kingdom in 1994, 1% of the 18,876 British residents surveyed said they I can't feel sexual attraction from anyone.

Based on this, Bogut published a paper stating that the definition of asexuality is “not feeling any sexual attraction” and estimates that asexuality accounts for about 1% of the world's population. According to this ratio, there are currently 70 million people in the world. Asexuals. Two years later, he published a new paper emphasizing that asexuality is not a physical or psychological barrier. In 2012, he published the book "Understanding Asexuality," which states that asexuality is statistically as common as homosexuality.

"Asexuality: It is better to eat cake than to make love"

Lead: In the movie "You Are the One," Ge You played the actor and a young woman, who is suitable, which is "the thing", the woman is completely uninterested. "So that's so interesting?" When the woman said this, the audience laughed - people saw her as a freak, a sick number, but did not know that there is really a group in the world: asexual, they As common as homosexuals.

After the 80s female photographer Annie, red dress, eyebrows, Danfeng eyes, long straight hair, small body, honey color. If she appears alone at the bar counter, usually within half an hour, there are boys coming over to talk. This is a pretty girl who is easy to be tempted. But it is not easy to really approach her.
Her "secret" is hidden in the thin black ring on the right middle finger. It is like an enchantment, faintly distinguishing her from most people on the planet; it is also like a small tower, silently and tenaciously sending out signals for her to find the same kind.

Small A world

The message that the black ring conveys is: "Hello, I am asexual" - in the asexual circle, especially in Europe and America, the black ring in the right hand is a recognized symbol of bright identity.

In English, the word corresponding to asexuality is Asexual. In the Chinese world, Annie and her asexuals like to call themselves a small A; in the English world, asexuals call themselves Ace. When they do a party, there is often a small flag on the table with a Spades A or Ace A poker card.

In In addition, the cake is also one of the signs of asexuality. In the asexuality forum, you often see the cake map, which means “it is better to eat cake than to make love”, which is a sneak peek at the world that is sexual. Declaration.

At present, the concept of asexuality is rarely known in China. In the three years of Annie's black ring, she never encountered a small A who came to recognize it. Annie’s date has always been sexual.

It is not easy to explain to sexual love what is asexuality, just as it is difficult for you to let Muggles recognize the existence of a wizard.

Annie told the boys who chased her that they were asexual. The first reaction of the other party was often exclaimed: "I don't like men or women, don't you love anyone?"

"I will explain that in fact, asexuality just does not feel sexual attraction, and does not want to have sex with others. Many asexuals will also love people, and also like the opposite sex, same-sex or bisexuality in the spirit." Annie said after this The other party tends to be curious. "Since there is no sex, is there any difference between your love and friendship?" "There are differences. For example, some asexuals will accept and lover embrace, but they will not do this with friends."

After so many rounds of communication, some people will follow Annie's temptation: "Sex is human instinct, you can't be asexual, you just don't meet them right person." Boldly, you will say "I will turn you into "Sexual person", thin face suggests Annie go to the hospital to see, receive professional treatment.

"Some sexual love seems to be unwilling to believe that asexuality is a normal existence. It is not sexual indifference, nor sexual incompetence, nor is it because of sexual assault and physical and mental trauma. In one sentence: asexuality is not I don't need to be treated." Annie was very frustrated at this time. "At that time, I would think, why would I be asexual? I have no choice. I can only learn to accept others' incomprehension and accept that they are different from others. ""

As common as homosexuality

Even in academia, research on asexuality has just begun, and it is a niche and unpopular field of research. Research scholars mainly come from psychology, sociology, sex studies, gender studies, and other disciplines.

Half a century ago, Dr. Alfred Kinsey, the "father of sexology", realized that there was a tendency to "free sex", but did not conduct in-depth research. In his 1948 and 1953 sexual orientation studies, he proposed that people with no sexual relationships and sexual reactions existed in the population and created a new independent classification “X” for them. He believes that 1.5% of the adult sexual orientation in adults is “X”.

Since then, there has been researching in the academic world of asexual love. What really makes asexuality into the public's view is Anthony Bogaert, a psychology professor at Brock University in Ontario, Canada. In 2004, he found that in a sexual attraction survey released in the United Kingdom in 1994, 1% of the 18,876 British residents surveyed said they could not feel sexual attraction from anyone. Based on this, Bogut published a paper stating that the definition of asexuality is “not feeling any sexual attraction” and estimates that asexuality accounts for about 1% of the world's population. According to this ratio, there are currently 70 million people in the world. Asexuals. Two years later, he published a new paper emphasizing that asexuality is not a physical or psychological barrier. In 2012, he published the book "Understanding Asexuality," which states that asexuality is statistically as common as homosexuality.

Compared with homosexuality, the public's awareness of asexuality is undoubtedly much lower. Gay is at least consistent with the mainstream concept of “everyone needs sex”, but the object of desire is same-sex, while asexuality is farther away from the mainstream. The famous domestic sexologist Li Yinhe said, "Most of the love is often attracted by sex, but if anyone likes this non-sexual state, why not? If you like it, you will live in this way. Society will More and more tolerant and diverse, everyone will not be surprised by this one day."

I love you, just not in that way

Many asexuals don't know that they are asexual. Annie is one of the early self-awakening people, but it took a long time to determine the identity of asexual identity.

She first realized that she was not in the same high school as she was in high school. At that time, the girls in the class will be crazy about the handsome guy, drooling, discussing who wants to fall, and she thinks that a man grows beautiful, but never thought about who to contact. There are boys chasing her, saying that she is sexy, making people bloody, she can not understand the other's thinking.

When she was in college, she talked about her love. Her boyfriend was far away in Europe. They also talked about sex, but because of the different places, there was no practical experience.

She really explores her sexual orientation after breaking up with her first love. At that time, the boys of the New Dating were in the local area. It was natural to roll the sheets in the depths of the other side, and she had no desire.

“What exactly is one person from the body?” She found AVEN (The Asexual Visibility and Education Network) from the online search psychology knowledge, which is the most famous asexual propaganda and popular science forum in the world.

Founded in 2001, AVEN was founded by David Jay, a 19-year-old freshman, who wanted to provide a platform for asexual love while letting the public know and accept asexuality. When AVEN was founded, there were only 50 registered people. In the past 13 years, this number has exceeded 80,000.
After carefully reading the introduction of asexuality in the forum, Annie exclaimed, "This is me." But there is still a certain uncertainty in the heart. "Is it a person who can make me have sex?"

The problem is that since then she has met a handsome man who is handsome, good-looking, and has a higher rate of returning than her, but she has not thought of being more intimate. "So sexy people can't make me have sex, what else is it possible?" She began to accept the fact that she is asexual, "feeling the dust settled", and gradually understand that in the world of sex, love It is associated with sex. "They will feel that if you don't have a desire for them, they don't like them enough, they will be frustrated," and she wants to say, "I love you, just not in that way. ”

“Is it better to find the same kind?”

She enrolled in the international asexual dating community. After browsing through the dating posts, she gave up the idea of ​​finding a partner only in the small A circle. “I have requirements in terms of personality, hobbies, appearance, life and eating habits. If you are not looking for sexlessness, the range of choice is too small and the efficiency is too low.”

The gap that cannot be crossed

Like Annie, Lonely also determined that he was asexual by browsing AVEN's asexual science articles and forum discussion posts.

At that time she was 28 years old and fell in love for a year and a half. "I was dating for the first time at the age of 26. It is normal for Chinese girls to be sexually interested before having a love experience. Everyone thinks that after love, they will naturally be interested. But it is not the case for me." She thinks that her boyfriend is handsome and charming, and does not praise her boyfriend's body, but she has no desire to make love with her boyfriend. At first, she thought it might be because she had no previous sexual experience. Interest in sex may require a process. The problem is that she has no sex at all. But she usually still agrees with her boyfriend's request for a roll sheet.

She explained that some of the asexuals can have sex in order to satisfy each other because they are not disgusted with sex. But some asexuals are very disgusted with sex, and no one is willing to have sex, or even want to have close physical contact with others. She belongs to the former, although she does not take the initiative to want sex, but can cooperate with her boyfriend. "For, For example, this is like having an activity. You don't want to do it yourself, but if a friend invites you to go, you can have fun too. But if a friend calls you every day, you will probably get bored."

She believes she is already lucky than many other asexuals. After knowing that she was asexual, Gu Hong’s boyfriend was not surprised. “I feel that the long-standing confusion has been answered”. In order to better understand Lonely, he later registered AVEN.

At the beginning of 2013, the two married. After marriage, they occasionally suffer from sexual problems and “both sides are very upset.” Gu Hong’s husband values ​​the passion and intimacy in sex and hopes that she can take the initiative and enjoy sex more. Lonely said with emotion, "In the relationship between asexual and sexual love, there is always a gap that cannot be crossed. - Sexual love not only wants sex, but also wants both sides to have passionate sex, and asexuality In terms of passion, they basically can't satisfy each other because they don't have the instinctive desire."

But overall, Lonely is still very satisfied with the current marriage life. "We are learning to accept the differences in sexuality between the two sides. This is impossible to change, nor is it the fault of any party. It is like other couples in character or life. Habits are different and it is inevitable that friction will occur, but as long as they do not seriously affect the feelings, both sides understand each other and compromise each other.

There are also a few asexuals who have found a partner in the same category. David, the founder of AVEN, is now with an asexual girl. They kissed, hugged, and shared a bed, but did not make love. "We have no intentions about it."

"You don't even have a desire, is it a man?"

In addition to the lover's run-in, another problem that plagues asexuals is how to let parents accept their asexual identity. Like homosexuality, asexuality also calls public identity out of the cabinet.

The head of the watercress asexual group and the Chengdu girl Qiuqiu Pan are currently very troubled to come out with their parents. "Even if they say it, most of them can't understand it, or they will remind me to find someone to marry."
After 90, the boys have taken the cabinet - he called in June this year to tell his parents that he is asexual and is a homosexual romantic tendency, that is, he likes same-sex, although he does not want to have sex with the same sex.
Before saying that, he estimated that he would talk to his parents for a long time. He especially moved a chair to the telephone booth downstairs and sat down to call home. Because he was too nervous, he said that the whole stomach was twitching, and the reaction of the parents at the end of the phone was very dull. Until he said "no child will be in the future", the parents interrupted him nervously. "You What do you say nonsense?"

Thinking about the future, there are many concerns in the heart. In 2011, a joint study of asexual communities such as AVEN showed that the number of women in asexuality is far more than that of men. The proportion of asexuals who like homosexuality is also much lower than that of the opposite sex. This means that this male-like asexual love of men is a niche among the niche. "Without desire, it may become a big problem for my future love, especially for people like me who have the same sex and romantic inclination." 

As an asexual, a man's situation is indeed more difficult than a woman. In 1980, Li Wei still remembers what his ex-wife said. "You don't even have desires. Are you a man?"

He and his ex-wife is blindly known, and it is his first love. Prior to this, he only secretly loved girls at the student level. He stressed that he was married to his ex-wife because he liked it, but he also admitted that he had been accused of having a parent's forced marriage in a few months.

He has no feelings about sex but wants children. When his wife finally became pregnant, his close contact with his wife only stayed in a kiss. After a long time, his wife suspected that he was not gay or if he had an affair. The two quarreled fiercely, and the wife cried all night, and he was silent all night. In the second year after marriage, the unbearable wife divorced him.

After the divorce, he visited the news on the website one day, saw the word "sexless love", and after checking the relevant science website, "lived for 32 years, finally know who he is."

In foreign countries, some asexuals will have a child through IVF or adoption. "If you know that you are asexual, you may not be anxious to get married, and you will find a girl who can accept asexuality."

Asexual, you can also be happy
In the asexual circle, it is not uncommon for Li Wei to “marriage, sexual disharmony, divorce”. After seeing some similar confession posts on the forum, Annie decided to live alone if she couldn't find the right person.

But just a few months ago, Annie was in love. She and her boyfriend met online, the other is sexual. When he first saw the line, he courtesy praised Annie's black ring for simplicity and elegance, and Annie told him the meaning behind the ring. "He started to have some concerns, but because he liked me very much, he still officially contacted me. Later, my frankness and hard work completely dispelled his doubts." Annie and Lonely are similar, she will not take the initiative. Poor boyfriend, but can meet the sexual requirements of the other party, "we are very happy together now."

Annie and Lonely has joined the asexual group of Douban. Many people in the group have misunderstood the concept of asexuality. People often ask in the group "I am not asexual." There are also homosexuals who are married in the group. It is probably that asexual love does not require sex, so It is less necessary to fulfill the sexual obligation in marriage than to find a sex guilty.

Because I hope to help asexuals know themselves by popularizing asexual love and let sex know how to treat the asexual love around them. They have translated some foreign asexual science posts and sent them to the group. The existence of the other party became a netizen.

In addition to doing asexual science in Douban, Lonely has also given three lectures on asexual love in American universities.

Some listeners listened to her saying "sexless love also needs masturbation", I feel very surprised, "Is sexless is not without sexual desire?" Lonely explained: Some asexual love will have pure physical sexual desire, but only through masturbation, do not want to Have sex with others. For sexual love, masturbation is only a physiological release, and cannot meet their psychological needs for sex.

"In In the asexual group, each asexual attitude is different from the attitude and feeling. Just like sexual sex has high sexual desire, some have low sexual desire, some are sexually conservative, some are open. After all, everyone It’s all different. Any two people need to work together. Even the feelings of a sexual person can’t be smooth. Long-term relationships need to consider life goals, lifestyles, political opinions, personality collocations, etc. The degree of fit of the factors, sexual harmony is only one of them. From this point of view, the relationship between asexuality and sexuality is similar." Both Lonely and Annie suggest that asexuals should treat their sexual orientation with a normal attitude.

"Asexuality is only a small part of you, just like you are blue eyes. It can't decide your life, you can be as happy as everyone else."

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